My recent trip to Nelson, B.C. was inspired by an opportunity to hear Kim John Payne speak on the topic of discipline. He had such a fresh and enlivened way of looking at the topic of discipline that he made what could have been a pretty weighty topic quite light. His humorous and anecdotal way of bringing the information made us all recognize and chuckle about those challenging parenting moments that we’ve all faced.

The main content of his talk had to do with how our parenting and discipline changes and evolves as our children mature. He addressed the three stages of child development and provided a guiding image for the parent to work with during each phase.

The Governor — Early Childhood (until age 7 or so)

What the youngest child needs is for her parent to be her governor. At this stage parents are “benevolent dictators.” We decide what the children need and act (and ensure the child acts) accordingly.

In order to do this, we need to avoid asking endless questions. “What do you want for breakfast?” “Do you want to go to the park today?” “What do you feel like wearing today?” If you listen to parents that you encounter you’ll realize that this tendency to ask questions is an absolute epidemic! We ask questions even when we’re not intending to give the child a choice. “Do you want to get in the car now?” Many parents have learned a hard lesson when a child answers with a resounding, “NO!” to an option we never intended to offer.

But even parents who have learned this lesson can’t seem to stop themselves! They’ll often attempt to issue an instruction (rather than ask a question) but then follow it up with a question. “It’s time to put your jacket on. . . . Okay?”

I think this tendency arises out of a desire to be kind and respectful of others’ feelings and opinions — a noble cause, for sure. But we need to realize that children of this age just don’t have the capacity to make decisions for themselves, and even worse, being given the responsibility unnecessarily burdens them. How many of us have felt overwhelmed by the choices that are offered to us and simply wished someone else would make the decision (the espresso bar comes to mind for me.)

Similarly, we don’t need to offer our children countless reasons why they should comply with our given instructions. The ability to see the world through the lens of cause and effect simply does not kick in until age twelve or so. Hoping that a child will comply with our instructions because he or she understands the reasons why it is important is really not approaching him or her with an understanding of her developmental stage. When we say to the child, “You need to put your coat on because it is cold outside,” we are expecting a phase of development that just isn’t there yet. Even setting up cause and effect situations in the child’s life can make things harder. If we say, “Wash your hands and then you can have lunch,” we are essentially setting up a situation in which we expect the child to make the logical connection between washing hands and eating lunch.

The alternative to these situations is that the child does what he or she is told, simply because he or she is told to do so. It is the parent’s job to be the authority; it is the child’s job to comply. We give instructions, not requests. We don’t justify our instructions. We don’t plead for cooperation. We issue instructions and expect compliance.

Ensuring that compliance can take work, though. We can’t just tell our child to put on her jacket, watch her toddle off and hope it gets done. We must take her by the hand and make sure it happens. Follow through is essential so that eventually the child will consistently follow through on her own.

The Gardener — Middle Childhood (ages 8-12 or so)

During this phase the parent can no longer strictly issue instructions, instead the parent must watch, cultivate and look for the right time to harvest appropriate responses from his or her child. Children of this age need to know that their requests are being heard. They can often present their proposals with lots of thought and care, attempting to anticipate the reaction of the parent. The parent does well to ponder requests, show the child that they are being considered, and then to watch for the most opportune time and manner to respond.

To depict this phase Mr. Payne told a story about a girl of this age who was asking for permission to have a three-night sleepover on school nights. Though the parent would be tempted to respond quite dramatically to a ridiculous request, we must make every effort to show that we have to think about it, talk it over with the other parent and then come back with an answer. Recognize that your child has clearly thought the situation through. Maybe a compromise is in order. Perhaps one night would be a good way to begin. Sensitively and delicately talk this over with your child.

The child of this stage lives most strongly in the feeling realm. Sensitivity, understanding and imagination are key to working with them.

Children in the middle of childhood also need to have a strong sense that they are part of a team. They must realize that their actions impact others and they naturally tend to show consideration for others. They have a strong desire to connect with others and this is often the way to help them realize what should and should not be done. Helping them to understand how a triple sleepover would impact the family could be just the thing to help the child realize that this is not a great idea.

The Guide — The Teenage Years 

During the teen years the parent has an opportunity to reap the rewards of the previous years of work. By this time the child is ready to make decisions and choices for him or herself. The parent is there to shepherd the young adult in making these decisions, standing behind him or her to help the best decision come to light. We can ask guiding questions, suggest ideas that the teenager might not have thought of, and brainstorm together. We have to be careful about offering our opinions because a child of this age does not want to be told what to do. Thoughts and opinions that are offered with subtlety and care are often welcomed and acted on.

Discipline is something that we can work on together. If your teenager is going out with friends you can work together to determine an appropriate curfew. In the process you can discuss what happens if the curfew is broken. The child can be a part of this process and will often determine stricter consequences for his or her actions than the parent might have set.

When a poor choice is made we can meet with the child and talk about it. What can we do so that better decisions are made in the future? We can notice these things and create these guidelines together. In this way we are truly preparing our teenagers for adulthood when they’ll have to make these choices completely on their own.

Mr. Payne ended the talk by telling parents that if their children consistently show themselves to struggle with their current phase of development, the parent must take a step back and act out of the guidelines for the previous phase. A child must be able to be a team player before being able to make choices, and basic compliance is the foundation of it all.

Throughout the evening there were a few little gems that Mr. Payne brought.

• Stop the “behavior modification” model. It makes children callous and insensitive to feeling. They don’t care anymore and will simply try to find the loophole. This approach also strips the parent of authority because all activity comes out of an external system of rewards and punishments. We want them to be guided by our own sense of authenticity, not some external reward.
• Children are not disobedient, they are disoriented.
• “Time-out” gives children a model of pushing their problems away.
• Stop saying “Good job!” Children become praise junkies and can even become jaded as they begin to clearly recognize that not everything they do is fantastic.
• If your child wants a “NOW answer” tell them that a “NOW answer” is “NOW” minus the W.
• Curb interrupting children. If your child runs up and starts to talk to you while you’re speaking with someone else, put out your hand to quiet him or her, then take 4-5 seconds to tell the person you’re talking to that the child wants your attention and pause the conversation. Wait just a few seconds at first and gradually lengthen this time. Teach impulse control.
• Don’t repeat instructions. Why should the child do it the first time if you’re just going to say it again?

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UPDATE: This free offer is over. You can still download my ebook for just $1.99. Thanks for visiting!

Well, it’s crisp and cold in my neck of the woods today and I’m finding myself in need of a little pick-me-up so for today only I’m offering my Temperaments Ebook for free!

The Temperaments and Waldorf Education

You’ll still have to go through the checkout process (I think you’ll even be directed to Paypal and all) but you won’t be charged anything.

Enjoy!

And while you’re at it — subscribe to this blog!

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I’m happy to announce that this blog is moving to the next level!

I’ve written up a nice little, mini-ebook on the four temperaments that I’m offering for sale on this site.

The Temperaments and Waldorf Education

This 16 page document is an excellent introduction to the temperaments and sums them up in an easily understandable form. The link above will take you to the product page where you can add it to the cart and checkout using Paypal.

I have lots of ideas to share and my hope is that this temperaments ebook is just the beginning. I’ve already got in the works another book about main lesson rhythm and at the end of the year I’ll offer a collection of our fifth grade dictations along with ideas for how to use them.

In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this article.

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When you imagine the typical, light-hearted, happy-go-lucky vision of childhood bliss, you are picturing the sanguine child.

Children who skip and run more than they walk, who are never down for more than a moment, and who positively bounce along through life are sanguine children. In fact, the temperament that typifies childhood as a whole is sanguine.

The element that corresponds to the sanguine is air. Sanguines are light, happy and fleeting. They flit from one activity to the next and though they enjoy a wide variety of activities, most often their energy and focus is on social matters. Sanguines have lots of friends and like to be surrounded by many different types of people. They can be the life of the party, though they may only stay for a short time before it’s time to move on to something new, because for the sanguine, variety is the spice of life.

Who is the sanguine in the classroom? The sanguine is the blond, curly-headed girl in the middle of the room who is surrounded by her friends — a group that includes everyone in the class. She is bubbly and almost always smiling. She flits from one friend to another in a happy light-hearted way. Her flitting nature may sometimes cause her to hurt the feelings of another (probably a melancholic) but she doesn’t really mean it and as far as she’s concerned unless it happened 3 minutes ago, it’s ancient history.

She is physically active and happiest when the lesson includes movement. When she moves, the observant eye will notice a bounce in her step and a tendency to walk on her toes. She loves to dance, jump and play.

The sanguine appreciates lessons that move along quickly. She processes things quickly and though she usually understands it all before she moves on, if something takes too much focus and energy, she’ll happily move on before she has fully penetrated a topic.

How can the teacher best meet the sanguine? First of all, recognize the sanguine’s gifts. Her happy nature can be a blessing in the classroom and can often bring a melancholic friend out of his or her despair. The sanguine can make things a lot of fun! In those heavy adolescent years, this is a blessing indeed! When doing skits in the class, I always make sure there is a sanguine in each group. Sanguines love drama and can often lead the charge in helping a group of students pull something together.

Seat the sanguine right in the middle of the room. She’ll be happiest there, surrounded by friends, but she’ll also benefit from her classmates’ presence holding her in. If you put her next to the window she’ll be off in the clouds with the birds and the butterflies for the whole lesson.

At the same time that we recognize the sanguine’s gifts, we must also acknowledge her challenges. What the sanguine needs most of all is grounding. Without it she’ll never be able to take that wide range of interests and activities and put them to purposeful use. She’s got plenty of air, it’s up to us to help her find some earth, too.

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Continuing my series on the temperaments, here are my thoughts on the melancholic child.

When considering the temperaments, many people have a difficult time identifying their primary, dominant temperament. This isn’t really a bad thing. The goal, after all, is to be balanced in your temperament and to be able to call upon the different parts of your personality when they would be most useful to you. And though it may be difficult to identify one dominant temperament, most people can choose one that they identify with the least.

For me, this is melancholic.

The element that aligns with melancholic is earth, and it’s definitely true that the melancholic feels the weight of the world. The melancholic child can experience her physical body quite strongly and it can feel heavy and burdensome. The melancholic’s physical experience is different than the sluggishness of the phlegmatic, though. Instead, the melancholic’s physical body is like a weight.

In fact, there are certain physical features that I have come to recognize in many melancholics. While the phlegmatic is often typecast as a round, jolly fellow, the melancholic is tall and thin with downcast eyes and a somewhat droopy expression and posture. Think Abraham Lincoln.

Who is this earthy, soulful child in the classroom? How does he or she behave? And how can we make the most of his or her gifts?

The melancholic loves to hear about the pain and suffering of others. She hears stories of this suffering with great sympathy and compassion. As she listens she is right there with the hero, experiencing all of the same woe and sorrow quite vividly. Though those of us who have few melancholic tendencies can get irritated and frustrated with the melancholic’s glass-half-empty approach, the world definitely benefits from the compassion of these tender souls. These are the people who are destined to become environmental and political activists. This is, of course, as long as they can turn their usually downcast eyes upward every now and then.

Another gift of the melancholic is a keen eye for detail. These are the students who agonize over their handwriting and want to start a drawing over four times. As a result they often produce impeccable work. As long as they can get past the hurdle of potential failure long enough to begin.

We often find ourselves feeling sorry for the melancholic and we want to cheer him up, but what we need to remember is that the melancholic is actually at his or her happiest and most satisfied when he or she is experiencing the woe of the world. So when you want to get that melancholic in your pocket think of the saddest, most heart-wrenching story you can come up with and tell it in great detail. The melancholic will be right with you every step of the way.

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Last week I wrote about how to meet the needs of choleric children. This week I’ll continue the discussion of the temperaments with a consideration of the phlegmatic child.

I’ve always found it easiest to think about the temperaments and how they relate to the four elements. While choleric is fire, the phlegmatic is all about water. And like fire and water, the choleric and the phlegmatic often do not get along. Why? What is it about the phlegmatic that makes the choleric the worst kind of crazy? Here’s a list of phlegmatic qualities. As you read them think about how they can be so at odds with the fire of the choleric.

• Slow-moving
• Comfortable
• Steady
• Solid
• Even
• Methodical
• Reluctant to try new things
• Easy-going
• Loves food

Now, these qualities may create a picture of a couch potato stick in the mud, which is probably how the choleric sees the phlegmatic. But, like water, the phlegmatic has a power of her own. Just like the river that created the Grand Canyon, once a phlegmatic gets going there is no stopping her. Looking for someone to chop vegetables? A phlegmatic will chop them so evenly and will keep at it no matter how long it takes.

Similarly, if a phlegmatic develops an opinion about something — good luck changing it. Combine this with the phlegmatic’s love for comfort and food and you’ve got a recipe for a picky eater. Luckily the phlegmatic will be happy with oatmeal, mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese for breakfast lunch and dinner. Save spicy curries and crunchy vegetables for the choleric.

So, how can we meet the phlegmatic in a learning environment? Well, no one appreciates a good story like a phlegmatic. Phlegmatic students are happy to cozy up, settle in and listen for a good long time (especially if they’ve got a snack to enjoy at the same time). But we can’t always indulge this desire in them for the phlegmatic’s biggest challenge is to be propelled into action. How can we get them moving with a minimum of struggle?

• Rhythm, rhythm, rhythm. If the working time of your day is solidly ingrained into the phlegmatic’s being it is much easier for him to overcome his natural inertia.
• Long working periods. Take advantage of the fact that once a phlegmatic gets going she is difficult to stop. The phlegmatic does not need variety and quick changes of activity. She’s got a long attention span and does her best work when she’s been at it for awhile.
• Give repetitive tasks. Find the repetitive aspect of any work that you do. Drawings that include lots of flowers that must be drawn one by one, grammar exercises that repeat the same type of sentence, and when it comes to long division with decimal numbers, the phlegmatic would be happy to keep bringing down zeroes and dividing until he’s out of paper.

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